�in four short steps we can erase this.�

the following long overdue entry is done to the tune of "this could be love":

step 1: slit my throat.

this whole time ive been absent, its just been pouring over mistakes. im like a fucking huge mistake magnet. i mean, i ont know. so rhode island, we will officially give her a name. we will call her steffie. i told steffie not to come. and shes been not doing so well with it. not like crazy not doing well, just super bummed. and i feel like an ass, becuase i knew this would happen and i let it get that far. in the meantime, michelles been acting super weird and distant. shes having a rough time at work and is taking it out on me, which really sucks. the other day, i walked up to the mall to see michelle, and the experience was so odd and cold... she seemed almost foreign... it hurt so much... i honestly made it back to my apartment, drunken, crying, i got to my hallway and i didnt even feel like walking anymore. suddenly everything seems so fucking pointless. every stepped seemed more and more like i didnt even fucking deserve to live. so i stopped. and i fell. at 2 in the afternoon. stumbling driunk. i fell on floor, curled up in the fetal postition and cried. i didnt think it would ever stop. and i wanted to drown the entire building in my tears. welcome to my hell.

step 2: play in my blood.

and the drinks pour on. i know i havent been updating, but dont think there hasnt been i day i havent tried. ive been so goddamned drunk. i can tell people are starting to be concerned. but its such a great escape. right now im on my 5th bud light. blech. im hungry but eating can wait. the only recreation i have is drinkning and cigarettes these days. i swear everyone in the world could quit and the industry would still survive on my suporrrt. so, with steffie, ive been still talking to her. shes cool. i really like her. just that distance wigs meout. and the michelle thing. i think that 'glutton fir punishment' doesnt even fit. its like glutton for fucking pain, real fucking pain. so with those two... my invlvement still is like hurting myself just to be aware that im not dead yet. i need to feel something. i let apathy take over too much. and i honestly fucking care. its so hard. with michelle, i just want to be acknowledged for what i am, and with steffie. i dunno, i just dont want to abandon her, becuase i know she deserves more than that.

step 3: cover me in dirty sheets, then run laughing out of the house.

havent talked to michelle in what seems like forever. and when we do talk it s something brief and friendly. its so... i font know. fuck i need more beer. ok back. so yeah. its like... when we talk theres a million things running through my head, but while its going on, it turns out i dont say anything at all. she seems to me doing just fine without me, so do i just let it be? let her deal with her problems on her own, and stop offering the shoulder she never uses, and makes me feel unwanted/unneeded? shes doing fine. or maybe i just want to think so. so i can feel better about her. i mean if she is ok... then... ok then. she doesnt need me and thats that. but its a constat struggle between, wanting her to be ok, and wanting to feel loved and needed. i dont have anyone here. the closet friends i have are derek in ann arbor, lord knows i cant afford gas to drive an hour and a half, and i have no phone. and the only person whove ive felt understand me in nearly every aspect apart from michelle is joe. and he so fucking far away it fucking kill me. fuck im crying. i hate this. why is everyone so far away. why? i have no fucking clue what to do. no fucking clue. i havent felt this alone since high school. maybe thats why i pour my heart out to random strangers on the internet. fuvk you, dan parker. i wish you were never born.

step 4: stop off at lake michigan, and clean your crimson hands.

last tuesday i went to grand rapids, about an hour and a hal faway. fuck did i make a mistake. sit down kids its story time.

so... well... i had sex wih one of the coolest girls ive ever met. "gee dan," you ask, "why is that a mistake? sex is cool." well. when i did it, it seemed great like this is gonna be awesome, maybe i wont have to worry about all this girl stuff anymre. but the thing is , on the car ride back home after this awesome 2 day stay... the first thing that popped back in my mind was, oh yeah, i dont even need to say it. michelle. i jjust. fuck im so goddamned confused. and as it turns out, apparently we're in a relationship now; which is news to me. and i just feel bad, becuase i really care about her, and i know i cant treat her right, becuase im too busy either trying to repair or get over this michelle thing. im such a fucking asshole. fuck you dan parker, i wish you were never born. and shes coming over today. her name is sarah and she fucking rocks. i dont want her out of my life by anymeans, but i cant give her what she wants/deserves. and im afraid im going to have to lay it out to her. FUCK. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. why do i do thes goddamned retarded things. fuck any affect it has on me, i just wish i didnt hurt so many goddamned people in my sekfish little rampages. i didnt think itd be like this, i swear. fuck. someone needs to punch me in the face. she probably will tonight. i can tell she already has such high hopes for this. lesson learned for everyone: dont rely on dan parker for anything. fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

i hate this. death never sounded so sweet. ok. im going to continue drinking. go meet her at kinkos and see what happens. please dont hate me. i try so hard to be nice. i swear i do. i just wanna do what i think is right.

on a side note, please give about another week for donations to go through, i need to start a bank account so i can claim them apparently.

as i wrote this: i wished for lighting bolts to come through my window and strike me dead.
mood: fuck if i know. im confused as a mother.
drunk when i wrote this? yes. and with more on the way.