�i'll wrtie more later tonigth�

day 1 of update:

welcome back kids.

so, i still ache. my side hurts. my limp comes and goes. but oh well. enough of that. my appendix is gone. boo - hoo.

yes. im finally fucking wasted.

to reiterate, FUCKING WASTED.

now to continue, to be honest, i don't think most of you understand me. ive been waiting to post thisentry for so long. so long.

you know that friend you have that you thin k is is really cool? whos always been there? tell them how awesome they are. send an email right now. call them right now. whatever. do what you can. im so sick of feeling like i dont matter to anyone. especially those i pour my very soul and heart into. i cant handle this. i just want to feel like what i do for people isnt in vein.

so youve figured now im talking about michelle. shes been so supportive through this operation shit its great. i love her so much. but. BUT. i dont know.to be honest, i really dont even feel like typing right now. but imma keep going. i talked to my best friend joe tonight. and i swear...

day 2 of update:

its been so long since ive cried like this. my stomach clenches and churns like machinery that doesnt quite fit together. every jerk and pull cries out for more and more pain. its alsmost a metaphor for my life. almost. maybe im th e only person that poor metaphor mkes sense to. i swear if there was a gun right here, id put it in my mouth. thanks to everyoine whos sent me suhc kind words this wjole time ive been pouring my heart out on diaryland. but i swear right now, nothing sounds sweeter than not having to think about anything. as i drink this beer, i cant help but close my eyes, fold my pinky and ring fingers in, erect my thumb, and put the remaining in my mouth and hope to hell theyll find a way to project something into my brain and stop all this bullshit.

even after finding a job, it doesnt seem right. everything was supposed to be ok.

i dunno. ill write more later tonight.

as i wrote this:
mood:
drunk when i wrote this?