�a late call, just to say i love you�

well. im already at it again. i don't know how i afford beer. its fucking 11:15 am. jesus.

so, anyhow. after i wrote that last night, michelle, the ex, called. goddamnit, this sucks. apart from that, it was a call just to say how much she loved me. a while ago, i wouldve taken this as a 'let's get back together' hint. now i nkow what it really is. she does love me. and she cares that i dont think that anyone does. and she needs mine too, becuase i love her in return. so, yes, i want to get back together. she doesnt. i dont say this to her anymore, but its the truth. only becuase the reason we're not together is she doesnt want a relationship with anyone. so im not going to force that on her (though, honestly, sometimes i let it slip and it turns into a mess).

the bottom line is, she's great and i need her. i can't imagine not having her around, even if just as friends. the only thing keeping us from being even better friends is that i cant just accept calls just to say i love you, for their good intentions and be good friends with someone who does great things for me. yknow? i mean, one might argue, and mostly my friends would, she also does shitty things that drive me nuts... but seriously, i think i've painted them the wrong picture. i mean they dont hear about the conversations about our favorite conan o'brien bits, or the way she'll let her guard down and stare at me or the endless confidence she has in me as a person; becuase she'll usually leave abruptly becuase she has a fear of intimacy, on all levels. that breaks my heart, so thats what my friends hear about. her leaving. not the great 5 or 6 hours or all night or whatever. just the crummy end that is no ones fault.

all i can do is sit here and hope against hope that she'll realize that she's safe here with me. someday she'll stop running. i may be done chasing, but i'm still here. becuase she's still there for me when i need her. and i can't take what i do for her away, on account of whatever it does to me. if i get hurt more, i can still say i put my ass on the line. isnt that what loves all about? go ahead, argue that she's not doing the same for me, but this is my choice. and all i can do is hope someday she'll stop being so afraid.

i must sound like either a psychopath, or confused high school emo kid, but i assure you im neither. the last thing i want to hear from anyone is that im just 22, and dont know what the rest of my life could hold. becuase thats the reason im waiting. i dont know whats coming, but i know where i feel safe from whats to come, and what gives me strength to face it.

my family, my friends and people who read my diary that send me a dollar.

as i wrote this: i thought a lot about why i dont just blow my head off, while i listened to "hello rockview"
mood: doing alright, actually
drunk when i wrote this? of course. i dont care how early it is. get off my case.